The Second.....Parties

Wow. Amazing. Two days, two posts. Let's see how long I can keep it up.

Tonight was the Christmas Office Party. I was supposed to meet two people from my business there, hoping to not be the only one...again. The first one met me outside, said she couldn't stay, something had come up. She had just stopped by to return some of my DVD's and to pick up something I had of hers. I convinced her to at least come inside for a minute. (the other one never showed at all, delayed by shopping friends.)
We entered the house, were greeted by Mike, the ever gracious host, with hugs and cursory cheek kisses. He smiled and took the bag containing the bottle of Glenfiddich I had brought for him as a thank you for various things he has done for me and my dogs over the year, he is truly a great man; selfless, thoughtful, extremely intelligent, 100% devoted to his lovely wife and their three kids.
He took our coats and disappeared upstairs with them, retuning moments later to offer beverages. He led me to the kitchen, I peered into a cooler brimming with ice and beer, chose a Kilkenny which he opened for me before wandering off to host some more.

I wandered around for a while, saying my hello's, holding the can of beer like a shield, before ensconcing myself in the corner of the brown leather couch by the fire to sip hops and people watch.

The dog of the house, a large, shaggy chocolate brown Labradoodle (designer mutts... a topic for another day) made his way over to me and sat on my feet, looking up at me with sad, brown eyes, "poor you," he seemed to say "all alone at a Christmas party....don't worry, I'll hang with you for a while".

I stroked the dogs' shaggy head and continued to watch. Why is it that every interesting man I see is already attached? Where did they meet? How? What do they see in each other? What is their relationship like? How do I get in on that? And how is it (not that I noticed it at this party, just in general life) that some truly awful people have found, somehow, mates?

I reflected, as this is the time of year for that when you are single, dateless, alone surrounded by couples, on my failed relationships, hoping that they had left more lessons then scars, but worried that it was the other way around.
Wondered, not for the first time, that if Mr. Right presented himself in front of me would I notice? Would I assume that he was talking to me to get to my friend? Would I panic and find some non existent flaw with him that was insurmountable? Would I just think: I can't do this, he'll get to know me, I'll get to love him, he'll leave me, and I'll have another failed relationship to reflect upon at the next installment of this party.

Self fulfilling prophesy, I know, but I wonder what it is that the other girls have that I don't, what do they have that let's them date and laugh and love and trust that I do not have? What do they have that enables them to live while I sit on the sofa with a dog on my feet and watch them do it?

Why is it that I am afraid to let someone in? Even my last boyfriend, who I was with for a very long time, had no idea who I really am. Was that because he didn't want to know? Or because I didn't want him to know?
It can't all boil down to my father, can it? Haven't I outgrown that yet? The beliefs he instilled, and still does try to instill, in me about how men are all after one thing, they can never be trusted, they will never be true, they all have ulterior motives ....My head knows these to be untrue, but the rest of me always reminds me of his lessons. But he's another story for a different day.

So, why do I diet, why am I trying so hard to shed 30 pounds? For me? Unlikely, I don't see myself that way, but when I used to be slim....the looks I'd get, the appreciative, furtive glances, the attention...I liked it, I miss it, I want it back.

Has society made me think that way? That without being thin and beautiful I am not worth it? Society + my dad? How do I make that stop? I know that I am a good person, a caring person, I am smart, funny, thoughtful, kind, fairly easy going....but I look at my friends....they're all married, most have homes and kids and lives...I have my dogs. Not the same.

I had a client whisper to me the other day, about a girl she knew: "39 years old....never married, something is wrong with that girl...." Sad, non, that in this day and age there is still a huge stigma attached to a single, adult woman. It's fine if you've been divorced a gazillion times, all that shows is that all those men wanted to marry you, not that you failed to make good choices...but to not be, at the very least, a divorcee by the time you're 30 means that there is something wrong with you.

Nice.

But I am afraid to meet people, I am afraid that they won't like me, or they will like me and I won't like them, or I'll like them but they won't like me, or we'll like each other for a while and then they'll cool off and I'll get the "it's not you...it's me....you're a great girl and I want to stay friends" speech...or even worse, just nothing....no phone call, no explanation.....nothing ...so I do nothing to remedy that. I just sit and watch everyone else living their lives and I scratch the dogs head, I wonder about them instead.

This has got to change.

Until next time, in harmony

Irish Red